By turnercowles
September 4, 2015

In honor of Stephen Colbert’s move to the Late Show With Stephen Colbert, here’s a sampling of his finest lessons about money.

If the NYSE goes offline, panic. “Here’s what we know so far. At 11:32am all the computers at the NYSE went dark.” “Do you understand that for nearly four hours America’s bankers had no idea how rich they were?”

Strong, important women on American money is a terrible idea. “If you put a woman on the one dollar bill, it’ll be worth only 77¢.”

In fundraising and gambling, the house always wins. Talking about Jeb Bush coming on The Late Show as one of his first guests, Colbert is waiting for his cut of the fundraising cash.

The sooner America gets back to the Gold Standard, the better. Colbert got change for his gold ingot: three doubloons, two silver talents, a sapphire the size of a plover’s egg, half a bolt of Chinese silk, and twelve drams of the finest Iberian saffron.

Don’t bother with facts, go with your gut. Talking at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2006, Colbert says you have more nerve endings in your gut than in your head.

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