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Why You Should Bring Your Baby to a Bar

By:
Taylor Tepper
6 min read

My wife and I had returned from the hospital 10 days earlier with our new son, Luke, in tow. While every moment of parenting a newborn combines equal parts fear for his safety and surpassing love, those first couple of weeks test your capacity as a human being.

There are bound to be growing pains when you incorporate a helpless thing into an ecosystem calibrated to childless adult behavior. Despite the hours we spent decorating his room, organizing his dresser, positioning his changing table, and the like, caring for our new son overwhelmed us.

So we hunkered down. Our two-bedroom Brooklyn apartment became a green zone in an otherwise hostile terrain. Except for quick trips to the neighborhood doctor, Luke did not leave his new home those first 10 days. We escaped only for the occasional quick jaunt to the grocery store.

Since everything is so new when you have a baby, you instinctively try to pare down your world to give yourself a sense of control. You don’t want outside influences to make an impression on your child until you’ve had the chance to know him first. You’re scared that the second you introduce something new, the whole façade will crumble.

After 10 days burrowed on the 8th floor, we felt he (and we) were ready. Perhaps Mrs. Tepper and I were just tired of being confined. Either way, we layered jackets, hats, and blankets over Luke and went to the park. My wife fed him and I held him and we returned home proud of our achievement.

Fast-forward six months and all that’s changed. Luke has transformed from a delicate six-pound newborn into a crawling, climbing, rolling, hair-pulling maniac. He used to sleep soundly in my forearm. Now he wants to bite my arm and clasp onto my lower jaw with his indomitable grip. Agoraphobia is no longer an option.

Plus, receiving approbation from friends and onlookers on your baby’s cute outfits compensates for sleepless nights.

So, where does one take a baby? Of course parks, sing-a-longs, and grandma’s house are all viable options—Luke loves pulling up grass by the root. They can also become stale. We are both more than a year from entering our thirties and would like to have a taste of our pre-baby lives.

After six months of careful research and experimentation, I have discovered three ironclad rules for new parents when it comes to bringing children into the world.

#1: Bars Are Better Than Restaurants

Restaurant patrons often forget that they themselves were once babies. Despite their infant origins, your fellow diners will not display patience and bonhomie if your toddler cries. They will instead sneer and glare and otherwise signal passive-aggressive frustration.

And really, you won’t have fun either. Restaurants are expensive and best enjoyed leisurely. There’s nothing leisurely about eating with a baby. You’ll order fast, eat faster, and hope to escape the trattoria before an episode unfolds.

You are better off eating at home and then going out for a pint or two. Bars are louder than restaurants, and the ambient noise will muffle your baby’s sobs. Also, beer is less expensive than dinner, which means you’ll minimize your sunk costs if you have to leave in a hurry.

#2: Show Up Early

If friends invite the whole family over for dinner, arrive as close to the proposed time as possible. People without children have the luxury to treat their time casually. Those with children should know better. A baby’s placid demeanor has a short shelf life, and if you want to maximize your time amongst adults, you’d better take advantage of it.

We recently brought Luke to a lunch our friends were hosting. They told us to arrive around 2 p.m., so we did. Four hours later, when it was time to return home and put Luke to bed, we reflected on a rather full afternoon of fun.

#3: The More the Merrier

Barbecues are heaven—especially ones full of friends and family. You may tire quickly of Uncle Joe’s jokes, or struggle to swallow your pal’s new berry-infused home-brewed beer, but you’ll love it when they snatch your little tyke from your enervated hands and (temporarily) release you from the yoke of parenting.

For 20, even 30, minutes at a time you’ll be able to enjoy your hamburger in peace. Whenever someone new comes by and requests to hold the baby, be magnanimous. Your car ride back to the land of "No Time or Will to Do Anything" is closer than you realize.

Taylor Tepper is a reporter at Money. His column on being a new dad, a millennial, and (pretty) broke appears weekly. More First-Time Dad:

 

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