A Sad Lesson From My Mother's Decline
Lessons of financial awareness and self-sufficiency began early for me. I was just 13 and my sister was 11 when our father left us. My mother was 35 at the time and had no work experience and only a high school diploma. She had dedicated her married life to our family and supporting my father’s career.
She never had access to our household finances, ever. In the blink of an eye she was faced with having to learn how to provide for the three of us. She found a retail position, making little more than minimum wage. My sister and I did what we could to help, both working full-time in addition to going to school.
When my mother was 53, I was 31 and married with two young children. My sister and I started to notice Mom’s increasingly odd behavior. She got lost while driving familiar places, acted like a child, and forgot to bathe and wash her clothes, among other worrisome behavior. We thought perhaps she was dealing with depression and we sought professional help. She was prescribed antidepressants and went to counseling. Over the next year she continued to decline, and lost her job as a customer service representative.
Shortly thereafter, she was a target of a financial scam. She initiated three outgoing wire transfers totaling nearly $30,000, her life’s savings. To her, in her increasing confusion, it was great news! She had won the Mexican lottery! We only learned of it from a bank teller who was suspicious of the wire instructions. (If a loved one is exhibiting early signs of dementia, it's very helpful to get to know the local bank branch staff and title accounts so they can alert family if they notice odd or uncharacteristic behavior by a longtime customer).
She soon could not pay her mortgage and we were forced to sell her home. She moved in with us. I was able to find an adult daycare to care for her while my husband and I were at work. So on we went day by day. I’d drop my kids off at school and mom off at daycare, at my expense.
Several years later, when she needed around-the-clock care, we looked for a facility that approved Medicaid, since she had no resources to pay for long-term care. This was a painful, difficult lesson – and one that I share with my clients: The time to purchase long-term care is when you don’t need it. My mother would hate knowing that my sister and I are paying out of pocket for preventative care and day-to-day expenses.
Dementia may have a long life cycle. Today my mother is 68. She has not recognized my sister or me for over six years. We have seen firsthand how 13 years in long-term care facilities can devastate a family both financially and emotionally.
There was a time when we had resources to purchase protection again these risks, and we didn’t. Dementia or other disabilities can happen at any age, and the lessons have been painful on many levels. A proud woman, my mother never expected to be financially dependent on anyone. It is a painful lesson for all of us. But if there is a silver lining, it’s this: As a financial adviser, I have been able to help others avoid making a similar mistake.
As the Baby Boomer generation ages, some estimate that as many as one in three individuals will suffer some form of cognitive dysfunction, from mild impairment to full-blown dementia. Our family wasn’t ready for this. Is yours?
Margaret Paddock, who oversees U.S. Bank's wealth managers and financial advisers in the Minneapolis/St. Paul market, is quick to advise her clients to make preparations for catastrophic care and provisions for situations that are hard to envision, but which can come to pass.