How to Talk With Your Older Parents About Money, Aging Plans

Key Takeaways

Talking with your aging family members about their plans for living and managing their money into their later years can be uncomfortable. But these discussions are necessary to balance everyone’s wishes and avoid making costly mistakes. Here’s what you should be prepared to go over:

Income, savings, bills
Wills and powers of attorney
Changing health and plans for long-term care if needed
Staying safe from common elder fraud scams
Living arrangements
End-of-life preferences

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your family is also the most difficult. That’s especially true when it comes to talking with your aging parents about money, health and future care.

It’s easy to understand why, too. Conversations about aging flip the parent-child dynamic around, as parents become less able to take care of themselves and more reliant on others to complete both physical chores and mental tasks, like managing finances.

Historically, older generations avoided casually discussing important topics like money with their children. And in many households, that's still the norm. More than half of respondents in a 2024 Fidelity Investment survey said their parents never discussed money with them.

Yet conversations about aging and financial planning are crucial for your parents’ long-term well-being. Here's a guide to get you started. And starting early can make it easier to plan out financial, housing and medical decisions before a crisis forces your hand. Here’s an outline to guide you:

Topics to discuss with aging parents about money, care and planning

Aging is a complicated process. Just like transitioning from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood, each phase of life is accompanied by unique challenges. But as your parents age, there are special considerations that need to be addressed, including the following:

Finances and monthly bills

The most important thing to figure out here is whether your parents have enough money to cover their essentials and who, if anyone, is helping manage their funds. Although older folks’ expenditures are, on average, lower than other age cohorts, increased costs for things like medical expenses can unduly stress older Americans’ budgets.

You should look to answer questions such as: Do your parents have sufficient savings and income to meet their needs? Are they working with a financial planner? If so, what is the payment structure? Are they using (or do they plan to use) tools like annuities or reverse mortgages?

You typically want to encourage your parents to work with planners and advisors who have a fee-only model and be careful of those who may earn a commission for products they may recommend. Regardless of the fee structure, though, you want someone who is a fiduciary, meaning they pledge to act in the client's best interest.

Estate planning and legal documents

Are your parents working with an estate planning expert? Do they have things like advanced directives, wills, living wills and powers of attorney in place? At the very least, the National Institute of Aging recommends a living will, which can help ensure your parents get the care they want if they fall seriously ill and cannot communicate.

Health needs and long-term care

Are your parents dealing with any medical conditions? How are they adapting to changing healthcare needs? Are they showing signs of cognitive decline? According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 7 in 10 older adults will require some level of help managing "activities of daily living" such as prepping meals, showering and using the bathroom.

Long-term care insurance, which can help pay for everything from part-time in-home help to round-the-clock care in an assisted living facility, is a relevant consideration that should also be included in these discussions before your parents get too old. Experts say the ideal time to purchase long-term care insurance is between your mid-50s and mid-60s. Your parents may still be able to find a good plan after they hit their 70s, but deductibles increase with age, so they will likely pay more for it.

Day-to-day living

Is it safe for your parents to drive? Can they care for themselves, their pets and their home? Do they know how to avoid scams? Millions of elderly Americans are the victims of some type of scam — be it financial fraud or any number of confidence schemes — every year. The FBI categorizes these as elder fraud, including government impersonation scams, home repair scams and tech support scams.

One relatively simple step to help protect against financial fraud is to ask your parents to add you, a sibling or another trusted family friend as an authorized user on their accounts so you can spot unusual behavior early.

Housing and living arrangements

Do your parents want to downsize to a smaller home? Do they need to renovate their current home for safety if they plan on aging in place? How do they feel about assisted living facilities? Home modifications — such as handrails, stairlifts and non-slip flooring — can make their dwellings safer.

Funeral wishes and end-of-life plans

What do your parents want done with their remains? Do they have any funeral preferences? Are there financial arrangements in place? The national median cost of a funeral with a viewing and burial is $8,300, according to the National Funeral Directors Association.

Tips for talking to your parents about aging

There is no blueprint for how conversations about aging should go with your parents. And that’s perfectly fine — we are all unique, with our own wants and needs, after all. That said, there are some general tips that experts recommend when talking about highly-fraught subjects like this. Keep these in mind as you broach these topics with your parents.

Have empathy and ask questions

Put yourself in their shoes. Talking about your eventual disability and demise isn’t something anyone likes to think about, especially coming from the very person whose diapers you used to change. That, coupled with generational differences and the miasma of financial struggles and shame, and it’s sometimes a wonder that our parents are willing to talk about it at all.

A good place to start is asking questions. You can try talking about things you’ve noticed yourself or that’ve been in the news. For example, you might mention that a friend is helping their parents move into an assisted living facility. Ask your parents if they’ve ever considered where they’d like to live when they require more help.

This puts aging parents in the driver’s seat by letting them lead the conversation, rather than dominating it with your own thoughts and ideas. There’s a time and place for you to talk from your perspective, but first, you need to establish a baseline for your parent’s feelings. You won’t always understand their logic (and vice versa, by the way), but you can respect their wishes within their means and your boundaries.

Start early and keep the conversation going

Talking about aging should never be just “The Talk.” It’s an ongoing conversation, and the earlier you start, the better. Aging isn’t a static point in time, after all. Things change, and new conversations will always need to be had well into retirement. Going over everything all at once in checklist fashion is also overwhelming, especially if you’re trying to take an empathetic approach.

Instead, you can incorporate little bits of the broader discussion into your regular conversations. Bring up how you see things changing in their everyday lives, and hash out ideas for things your parents seem worried about. This also helps normalize speaking about sensitive matters so there’s not just a big black box around part of their lives that you never discuss with them. It opens the door to easier, more natural conversations for all other aspects of aging, too.

When possible, it’s good to include other family members, within reason and in a manner that doesn’t make it seem like you’re all piling up on your parents at once. Taking care of your parents is a family affair, and getting everyone on board with ways to support your parents takes the burden off of you, shows your parents how people care for them and ultimately creates a stronger network.

Pick the right time and setting

It’s best to chat about these topics when your parents are in a receptive mood and in person if you can. Don’t wait to talk about it until they’re in a crisis. At that point, they — like you — are less able to process thoughts rationally, and it could appear as if you’re chiding your parents about their failures.

Try to focus on the benefits and upsides more than doom-and-gloom scenarios when discussing these topics with your parents, too. For example, rather than harping on how dangerous it is to live alone in a home full of potential hazards, you could describe the sense of relief the rest of the family will feel if they don’t have to worry about your parents hurting themselves. Consider stressing the positives, like the sense of community and social activities available in independent living facilities.

Take care of yourself, too

Your parents are not going to accept all your preferences when it comes to making decisions. They may not even be willing to talk about certain things at all, or they may become defensive if they do.

Before talking to your parents about aging, you need to be OK with that and have a plan for how you’ll cope. Having parents who won’t listen to you — no matter how well-meaning you are — can be a huge source of anger, resentment and anxiety for many adult children. But you can’t control other people; you can only control your own response to the situation.

For some people, dealing with these challenges means working more on mindfulness. (It’s a skill we could use in all areas of life, after all.) Don’t be afraid to seek out support groups, counseling or therapy if you need it. You don’t need to solve everything in one go. The goal is just to start talking early enough that your family has options when you need them.